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Land Rover Defender 9. Review. Defending the madness that is Defender ownership. By Imthishan Giado.

I’ve never quite understood the Defender. An iconic design for sure, beloved by millions across the globe for its unrivalled ability and legendary durability, founded on a reputation that dates back nearly 6. But having grown up in the Middle East on a steady diet of Japanese SUVs like the Land Cruiser and the Patrol, the Defender was a rare sight on our roads, glimpsed only occasionally in desert camo in use by our Armed Forces. What you don’t see can’t impress you, as the proverb goes and so I’ve never driven a Defender, nor wanted to drive one. What gives? Why does this car have such a rabid fanbase that speak of it in such hushed tones?

Both the two and four door wagon are powered – if that’s the correct word – by a 2. Chevy Cruze. Ah, but you’re thinking – it has a mountain of torque. Sorry to disappoint again: 2. Actually, nearly sixteen! Fully expecting the slowest road test of all time, I asked the good people to JLR to supply me a Defender to see what the fuss is about. Want to know what the fuss is about? By being so resolutely unstylish, so defiantly blocky and function over form, the Defender has somehow managed to become one of the coolest cars on the planet, especially in stumpy two door form.

This is the sort of the car Jason Statham would really drive, a hard- looking car for a hard man. Every square, vent and hole on the Defender is there because it has to be there, no superfluous swoops and creases to suit the designer’s pen. But don’t just take my word for it – driving the Defender around, people absolutely love it! Everytime I stopped somewhere folks would ask for a picture, children would wave as I drove past – when’s the last time that happened to you in Prado? Open up the alarmingly thin door, mount the too- high step, haul yourself in and it feels like you’ve travelled back in time: truly, this is a close as you’re going to get to driving a new vintage car. By modern standards, the ergonomics are genuinely dreadful, if not downright dangerous.

You sit high in a flat wide seat that doesn’t slide far back enough grasping a plasticky wheel that does not adjust for reach or rake, but is helpfully tilted at a schoolbus- like angle. Because you’re forced to sit so close to the non- adjustable wheel, the pedal box is very cramped, your knees rubbing constantly against the steering column. There’s nowhere for your arms either with the narrow body, so your left arm elbow is permanently on the window sill – great in a crash! I’m nowhere near finished yet. Keeping to the truck theme, the clutch is heavy and bites uncomfortably high, while your right arm will be occupied with the long walking- stick of a gearshift that shifts with all the reassurance of a politician’s promise.

Also not well thought out: the handbrake placed low down by your right knee, a positioning so genius that literally no other manufacturer has thought to copy it. Have you been drinking? Everything feels hard as granite and likely to survive any accident even if you won’t. Toys? Believe it or not, the Defender actually has Bluetooth audio and telephony, courtesy of a very aftermarket- style Pioneer head unit. Don’t look for the switches on the doors, they’re mounted high up on the dash. There is air conditioning but brilliantly, the only vents are mounted on the centremost of the dash so all the cool air comes out of the centre of the car, leaving your arms to pick up a pleasing tan. And they will, because even though the A/C blows quite cold, there’s simply too much interior for two tiny vents to deal with, especially on a hot summer’s day.

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But these ergonomic disasters can be excused if the Defender is great to drive, and conquers all offroad. By modern standards the Defender is a complete mess. The steering is ponderously slow and completely numb, operating the aforementioned clutch is like kicking an angry mule and the gearbox is stiff when cold and somehow even stiffer when hot! Or maybe I was just getting tired. The first day I drove this car was a truly exhausting experience – you have to concentrate so much just to keep up with traffic. Decent levels of torque mean that you can get off the line fine, but there’s no point beating on the poor 2.

Which will take a while. And then when you need a stop – spongy, indifferent braking means lots and early use of the red pedal.

Then there’s the highway. We have a lot of highways here and the Defender is hilariously unsuited to them. Not only does it have the wind- cheating aerodynamics of Dubai Mall but with a top speed of just 1. This is the sort of vehicle which should come with in- car radios at standard.

The Defender 2013

But, but, you’re saying. Well sorry to disappoint again but the Defender isn’t much cop in the sand either. I’m sure in England’s muddy bogs and Europe’s grassy hills, the Defender ambles along amiably surfing on a seamless wave of torque. But it’s hopeless in the sand because it just doesn’t have the power to climb anything in high range.

In fact, during the course of the shoot of the pictures you’ve been seeing, the Defender nearly got itself stuck on a bit of completely flat, hard packed sand that a Sentra could cruise through without issue. No jokes, I had to engage low range just to make sure it didn’t dig itself a hole to China and have the skinny Mr Sheikh push me out. But in this guise, with this wheezy engine it’s a lot of hard work to maintain momentum in the soapy stuff. You’ll need to be in low range constantly just to make decent progress. If you’re really serious about dune running, look for a old V8 car – those are the ones all the serious offroaders use. With the indestructible Rover V8 under that bonnet, the Defender can finally fly over the dunes like you knew it would.

Verdict. So the Defender – total disaster, right? Avoid it like the plague, yeah? All mouth and no trousers eh?

The Defender 2013

This is the part where I completely cast away all my credibility away for all eternity so read on, Imthi- haters. Truth is, hand on heart, I absolutely loved the Defender. Yes, it’s a complete bitch to drive and living with one every day would require a high degree of masochism (and perhaps insanity) but by God, it makes you feel cool! After a few days I didn’t want to give it back. After a while you forget about all the issues and just enjoy driving it – the Defender is such a visceral, physical experience that demands your complete attention and reminds you what driving a car is really about, in a world of fat heavy crossovers with fuel- sipping automatics and social media apps to distract you from the road. And it bears repeating – it will go anywhere offroad, you just have to be aware of the giant limitation that is the lump under the hood and compensate with the soft thing between your ears. On the highway once you get up to speed, it’s surprisingly stable, and the ride on big fat Continental tyres is always pleasingly supple.

Yes it’s expensive. A cheaper FJ will absolutely embarrass it for straightline speed and refinement. I drove an FJ for two months and I ended that test without the slightest bit of affection for what is a very capable vehicle.

By comparison, every time I got out of the Defender I was sweaty, tired and felt like a piece of pounded meat. And I wouldn’t have traded that feeling for all the gold in the world. Land Rover Defender 9. Specs. Price: AED1. Engine: 2. 2- litre turbodiesel four- cylinder, 1. Performance (ha!): 1.

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L/1. 00. Transmission: Six- speed manual, permanent four- wheel drive. Weight: 1. 77. 1kg.